Our need to Listen (and be heard)
In trying to explain the source and depth of my long-term frustration in working joint ventures with a particular lawyer, I wrote the following comments to a mediator (of a then current fee dispute). In doing so, I realized that, while I was quick to point out how difficult it had been for me to get the other lawyer to hear what I had to say, I was often equally guilty of the exact same sin. So, although it may be arrogant to quote from one’s own letter, here is the thought, followed by some further comment and opportunity for solutions.
I know that we all feel a great need to be listened to; to have our thoughts and feelings considered and understood is often more important than any eventual action or decision that can take place. I also know that until that feeling is internalized, until we feel the respect and validation that comes with knowing we have been heard, we continue to state our position, over and over, often louder and louder, hearing nothing but our own voice. (An even worse consequence occurs when we simply give up and, therefore, shut up. When our thoughts, ideas and, most importantly, our vitality and commitment, are lost, simply because we feel that our opinions will forever be viewed as unimportant. We become resigned to the (misguided) “fact” that it has become our lot in life to suffer in silence; to know the answer but never be called upon or even allowed to respond to the question.)
Our reaction to the situation can convince us that, in spite of our intelligence, competence and genuine level of concern, our opinions have no value; that our position is doomed never to be truly understood, considered, much less possibly adopted or accepted as valid. When this happens, we cannot help but suffer a loss of personal commitment and damaged self esteem. Even worse, we nurture a resentment constantly fed by what we perceive to be the other person’s disrespect and their devaluing of our own sense of competence and self worth.
I once heard this style of “communication” (and I use that term factitiously because no real communication takes place) referred to as “the dialogue of the deaf.” It occurs when the targeted “listener” stands by, waiting only for his turn to speak (all the while preparing his upcoming remarks in his/her head), thus never engaging his heart and mind toward the task of understanding the comments and concerns being voiced by the person trying to engage him/her in a “conversation”. In return, the first speaker, sensing (correctly) that he has not been heard or even listened to, eventually, albeit reluctantly, surrenders the floor, only to then proceed to do exactly the same thing. Yes, he/she goes into his head, with mind only peripheral engaged, while he, himself, waits for his next turn to speak). In the end, each is frustrated, helpless and often learns little or no new information which could aid them in their effort to reach an amicable solution to their present problem. It is, more often than not, a never ending cycle.
Sometime close to the time I originally wrote this letter, I also wrote a poem called “Listen.” I am posting it here as well. Hope you like it.
September 2nd, 2010 at 6:54 pm
What a great post